Book Review: The Courage to be Disliked - Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
Updated: Nov 17, 2024
Book Review: The Courage to be Disliked - Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
Writer: Klinsmann Lee
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“The Courage to be Disliked” overview
Structured as a dialogue format between a young man and a philosopher that explores Alfred Adler’s philosophical tenets on happiness.
Genre: Self Help
The dialogue conversation is presented over 5 nights and explores various topics such as:
Your life is decided here and now.
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
Discard other people’s tasks.
You are not the centre of the world.
To Live in earnest in the here and now.
What I find valuable about this book:
Point 1: Happiness is about the courage to change and choose your life
It is not others but ourselves that decide how we want to live our lives. Importantly, it is how we make use of our equipment and resources to move to the life we want.
Changes require courage – it is hard to ignore the fear of criticism, the fear of facing reality and truth and importantly the fear of rejection. However, it is making mistakes along the process that helps us improve. As Albert Einstein once said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new”.
“No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now” (page 50). As the authors mentioned, it is our responsibility how to live our life moving forward.
“Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage” (page 46) – It is about the courage to be happy and the courage to be who you are.
Point 2: How we view ourselves and the world affects our happiness
One of the things I like about this chapter is the look at the feeling of superiority and inferiority. It is human nature to get better and the present feeling of inferiority acts as a catalyst for growth and improvement.
However, the feeling of inferiority can also be an excuse to prevent growth – This is known as an inferiority complex. In this situation, the person would say “I am not well educated, so I can’t succeed” (page. 72). Instead of using this excuse, I believe one should change the mindset and approach the excuse, making use of the equipment and resources to change what he or she has now, and not what he or she were born with.
In the pursuit of superiority, we should not view competition as a threat but as a way for improvement. Importantly, we all have our objectives and goals that we should follow instead. We all grow at a different pace.
At the same time, we should not view everything as black and white. There are a lot of grey areas and it is important to consider the other side of the story. To accomplish this, I believe the ability to listen and take an open mindset is very important.
“Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others” (page 100) – It is hard to influence the views of others, however, we can alter our mindset. Rarely, changes will go according to plan, however, we can adapt to the situation and continue to be optimistic.
Point 3: Understand what is your responsibility
We are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.
We can influence or advise a person to take a particular action, however, it is ultimately the person’s decision to do it or not – it is not our task but the person’s task.
Wishing so hard to be recognised will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person” (page. 117)
One useful way to determine the separation of tasks is to think “Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made”. (Page 121).
We have to choose what is best for our path – How other people think when they hear or see – that is the task of other people and is not something we can control or do anything about.
If we look at innovation, a lot of successful products such as touchscreen phones, and electric vehicles, are born out of ideas that others will think it is impossible or crazy.
To achieve the separation of tasks – it is important not to be afraid of being disliked – there will always be someone who dislikes you.
Point 4: We are not the centre of the world
Each of us is a small part of the past and a small part of the present. To avoid being a self-centred person, one should carry out the separation of tasks (understand whether the responsibility belongs to him or her) and avoid the desire for recognition.
This world is a very big place – a lot of hardship you go through is actually only a teacup. Time will always make us move on.
One of the very interesting points made in this book is do not rebuke or praise (page 171) – When we praise others – it unconsciously creates a hierarchical relationship. I agree with this point except that encouragement should be done on gratitude – Praise is important to motivate people.
I think to live a happy interpersonal life – one should not think of “What will this person give me? but “What I can do or give to this person”.
Adlerian psychology proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships.
Point 5: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now
No one is perfect – Life is about accepting and living with imperfection. It is also self-accepting who you are that makes life a worthwhile experience.
One should simply focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. “Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept “this me” just as it is. And dare to change what one can change”.
Importantly, to build a deep relationship is to have unconditional confidence and trust in the relationship.
Our contribution to others indirectly creates a sense of belonging and self-worth. It is about creating a purpose in life and to support others.
Life is a series of moments – Live like you’re dancing. “You should be on a journey the moment you step outside your home, and all the moments on the way to your destination should be a journey” (Page 239).
Life is short – don’t postpone life. When we postpone life, we can never go anywhere and will pass our days only one after the next in dull monotony. Live here and now.
Our meaning of life is assigned by how we want. Our lives need a guiding star.
Just start – have the courage and don’t lose sight of your star.
Conclusion:
One of the things that this book helped me to look is at change as part of courage – it is not our lack of ability but our lack of courage that stops us from changing.
I like the dialogue structure of the book in exploring the concept of happiness and Adlerian psychology. It helped to understand the philosophical insights presented in this book.
The main ideas presented in this book include “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems”, “people can change and be happy from this moment onward,” and “The problem is not one of ability but of courage”.
“You are the only one who can change yourself” (page. 123) – We determine our path.
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